Midnight Lines

Madness. || Moods.

I once asked Sister Fatima why God created us in the first place.
She smiled and said that He created me because...He dreamt of me.

I wondered how people could last without a notion of a loving God. Without any God, for that matter. It must be very bleak.
Except...they don't seem to think so. Sometimes I look at them and realize that they're far more self-assured than I am.

I don't think it's a bad thing though (I'll keep my reasons to myself).
Love is a form of madness that I like.
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Have you noticed how feelings are always mixed?
It's kind of disconcerting if you think about it.

And is there such a thing as a good intention?
(If you say yes, perhaps you haven't looked deep enough.)

Behind my smile is a jumble of a million other expressions, and I think it goes for you as well.

Worlds Apart.

I get drawn into other people's worlds too easily.

And why wouldn't I? People like to make themselves comfortable and seldom do I find it cold. (I did, once. Find it cold, I mean. And even then I stayed longer in it than anywhere else because it was so intriguing.
I left in the end. It was all a lie.)

Sometimes I find it hard to leave. When I finally find the resolve to, I keep looking back until I realize that I still hadn't really left, just kept walking around.
I'm still stuck in one right now.

How do you get there? Words.
Everybody's words are bridges. The thing is, you wouldn't really know if it'll hold. You have to get on it and see if it will. But don't worry, if you do fall, you won't fall too far. You just flounder a little in space until you get back to your side of reality.
Out of breath, maybe, but nothing serious.
Then you keep to yourself a little until gravity pulls another planet along.

And Vibrations Go Through the Web of Strings That Entangle Us.

So, my first day on the job. Yeah, I'm an independent woman now! Haha! Ha--

Wait, I think I hear my mother calling. Please wait a moment.

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Sometimes I really wish laundry can just fold themselves. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh. Oh, um, nevermind what I was saying.

Er.

So I've found this job. It's italicized because it's..well, I think it's great. And wonderful. And amazing. So much so that (if you've noticed) even if I've been neglecting my blog for the longest time, I made up with it just so I can share to you that you can find profound surprises in the simplest things. Before you get any ideas ('What, you a pop artist now?'), I'll have you know it isn't anything grand.

So I was walking down one of the AS staircases with Gino the other Wednesday. He was talking about how muscle enlargement is caused by reparations of muscle wounding through exercise when a piece of paper stuck to the bulletin caught my eye.

Well, of course, you being smart, you'd think it's the ad for the job I have now. And that's right!  And what do you know, the work location just a block away from my house! Blessed serendipity.
So that's how it happened. And before I forget, it was an ad for an English tutor, for a grade school Korean kid. Awesome.

So on that same day we had an informal interview. They made me answer this English grammar questionaire (which they'd check against the answer key when I've left), settled renumerations, and told me they'd text me within the week.

And surprise! I got it! Well, okay, yeah, you already knew. Really, I've got to work on my surprisiness one of these days.

So the plan was: first, I'd teach James, a 4-year old kid, English. And the moment he finds his toy train more interesting than "Can you tell me how many colors you see?" I'd switch to a practical dialogue with his mum, who is also a learner. (So not what I applied for. But hey, I like this arrangement better. Another tutor was tutoring the grade-school kid. And honestly, I think I got the better deal, hehehe.)

And it's so cool because I think the Korean lady's so determined. Well, yeah, so she brought a new refrigerator instead of repairing her old one because the service center people couldn't understand her English and she gave up trying to explain. And she didn't push through with enrolling for English classes because there were too many Korean people enrolling and they were pushing and shoving. But, well, I can't imagine myself going to Russia and surviving with my Russian prowess (well, I could. But that's as far as I go. And I was being sarcastic with the prowess thing) even though my Russian handbook is entitled Survival Russian. She, on the other hand, just...well...she's here! I think she's very brave. And inspiring. She's doing all this for her children's future, too. Which, I think, is just lovely.

I just hope I'd be able to teach her what she needs to know. And when it's all over, I'd be able to smile and say, 'Just doing my job.'

(Sorry for the cheesy ending. Hahaha. Just doing my job..pfft.)

The Girl With the Hands That Can Touch the World.

I looked out of my window that night and saw the moon. It was like a silver coin that my hands can never hold, no matter how much I stare at it.

It glided away, upwards, as if it was filled with air instead of space rock. I, on the other hand, was still craning my neck when I realized that it was the right moment.

A life goal was within my reach.

I went outside and found the old wooden ladder in the shed. It was heavier than expected.

Eventually, after knocking down things and after three attempts of climbing up, I got there.
I actually got there. Haha, I ACTUALLY GOT THERE!

I was on top of the world. Well, my world, for that matter. The surface was slanted, but I always suspected my view to be a little off. I saw what I saw from that night in the observatory, but slightly fainter. I looked at the moon for so long that when I looked away, it was still there.

Eventually, my fingers grew cold. And every movement I made resonated a deathly creak through the fragile sheet of steel that held my body.

I gingerly made my way down.

Today we found the kitten that was lost under the roof of the house. It is now nestled quietly on my lap. I can't think of a name yet, but I know someday the right one will just suddenly pop into my head.

You Knew I'd Blog About This.

Last Friday, Vanny and I were supposed to catch a German film at school. But due to a fateful mis-communication, we ended up missing the film altogether. (We couldn't find each other. Hm... well, actually, she couldn't find me. And I naively thought she was simply late. I should learn to stop assuming.) We hung out at CSA instead and sat with Don and Merryan, and I can't forget the part when they all point at you, Vanessa, and tell you you're cool. Heehee. *smiles for you* I think your job is awesome too :D

So we walked around, right, and had dinner. You, and egg sandwich and me, soggy undercooked noodles. We had pretzels after and sat around while you tried to convince me that I'm not weird (I forgot how that conversation went). And afterwards, you found me a piano (two, actually) at Abelardo Hall and we stayed there until the not-very-nice janitor told us to go away. Also, we found an ad that says it's selling a baby grand piano. I texted the number and didn't expect a reply.

We walked a bit more and I finally saw the black kitten you were talking about. It is incredibly adorable. And loved. By it's mother. I don't think I should take it home. Then suddenly you were struck by the fantastic idea of dropping by the Observatory. You don't know how it's changed me.

We trudged deep into the night and I wondered if perhaps something sinister might befall us. But soon enough we were ensconced in the cold flourescent lights of the UP Astronomical Observatory. Awesomme. They brought out the telescope for us (it seemed pretty heavy, didn't it, and we felt a little guilty for all the trouble they had to go through, but they didn't seem irked. Perhaps they do it all the time for people). The nice astronomer

Vanessa: Astrologer ho kayo?
Man: ...
Vanessa: Ay, astronomer ho?
Man: Isa akong astronomer. Hindi ako si Madam Auring.
Me: (laughs) *makes a joke that nobody got*

showed us Jupiter, Jupiter's satellites, the star Beetlejuice (haha), the Orion nebula, the moon close up, and pointed out all the constellations. In that place at that moment, the sky seemed to come alive. It moved and beckoned and I couldn't look at anything else. The man answered all our questions, and seemed to delight in the two lost girls brimming with questions about the stars and the lightyears and the skies. We stayed there for a while and I didn't want to go (you didn't either), but it was getting late, and perhaps the astronomer might want to get back to what he was doing. So after thanking him a lot, we left waving at his sillhouette.

Then I got a text message. It was B Grand Piano. It was selling one for 450k and another one for 230k. I guess I wasn't expecting it to be 450k or 230k because I remember sputtering out my incredulity. I showed it to Vanny and she sputtered too.

"I wonder what I should reply?"
"Umm..may discount pa ho ba yan? UP student lang po ako."

Hahaha. I forgot the other ones we thought up.

That night I dreamt of the stars. They were bigger than ever, and I felt so moved I almost cried.

This day made my week. It made my following days too. I can't help but grin when I think about it. Heehee. Thanks, Vanny. I wonder how this blog post suddenly turned into a letter?

Social Exchange.

Today I decided to eliminate the dots on my i's. I wasn't very successful. Sometimes I ended up forgetting to cross my t's.

When I climbed aboard the UP jeep this morning, the call boys sounded like tame seals bound to a performance of making a living. They bent over backwards. To come to think of it, life is a circus, and all of us are performers.

"UP! UP! UP!" They went, long after our jeep left the lot. It haunted me until my bangs slapped me back to reality. I am on the verge of cutting them again (or let them demote themselves into nameless strands on my head).

On my way to Biology 1 class, a girl walked towards me wearing the same pair of sandals that I was. She didn't notice.

Oh, now I remember:

The other day I played a note on my keyboard and all it said was GOODBYE. It's dead. I feel like I am being backed into a dark, tuneless corner. By who I cannot really tell.