My *_____* First Sem Sched

Time		Tuesday		Wednesday		Thursday		Friday		Saturday
8:00 - 9:00										Architecture 7
9:00 - 11:30		Interior Design 10								Architecture 7
11:30 - 12:00		Interior Design 10		Russian 11				Russian 11		Architecture 7
12:00 - 1:00				Russian 11				Russian 11
1:00 - 2:30				Home Econ 101
2:30 - 4:00		Communications 3		Home Econ 101		Communications 3
4:00 - 5:00		PE (Walking)				PE (Walking)

YAY Russian! :3
I'll probably take up some sort of part-time job or something. Piano, anyone? :O
Or maybe I'll get more subjects..Hmm... decisions, decisions...

In Retrospect

So. Maybe I went a tad too hysterical. Right, haha.
And this is the part where everybody says, 'We told you so,' or mutters 'We knew it all along.'

Anyway, what's done is done. Don't get me wrong though, my stay in UP has been, well, memorable for sure, but I think that perhaps it was so great that it overwhelmed. Who knows? There are no regrets, no shame, just objective dissecting of what went wrong and what is worth remembering. Nothing left to do but to pick up the pieces in front of people who are watching and waiting for my next 'smart' move. The one that's after throwing away the honor and opportunity of being an Iskolar.

Hm. Nope, not moping. In fact, after <quoting Ryan> all the huzzle and buzzle XD, things have settled down and I no longer nurture my sentiments of me against the world and society and conformity and the necessity of college degrees. Yes, that was my line of thinking, and it's stupid. I totally ignored a good friend's advice to not be carried away by... eugh, emotions.

I was wrong, I was wrong. Learn from my act of throwing it all away in the spur of the moment ["College burnout,"  look it up], although I'm pretty sure that you're all more persevering in spirit than I am. But at the same time, I'm glad I'm out of UP (Well, actually, the papers are taking forever to process but it's well on it's way.) It was becoming too stifling. Arki was a fun, fun ride, sure, but I'm talking about the other things. Like the higher sciences, the pressure from peers and family, the pace, the everything.

But it's also possible that the problem lies with me. That wherever I go, my mentality will, too. And that's just sad. So that's why I'm determined that

when the approval for my transfer to UST's CFAD (College of Fine Arts and Design) is given (under the discretion of their dean) I will do my best to protect my determination to see it through. Nothing half-hearted, setting my eyes on the goal, and staying completely, utterly focused.

Hm, that sounds familiar. Actually, I also said something along those lines when I was accepted in UP, and those words were just floating somewhere up there until I yanked them back down and rearranged them into this blog.

'Too bad,' you may be thinking, waiting for a similar fate to swallow me up. But, i think there's something different this time. The goal itself is totally different. After high school, I aspired to be great. I envisioned a future where my touch was like...well, magic. A dream job, a dream everything, and for sure, it truly was a dream D: (bad pun). I was going to use UP as some sort of label that I'd wave in front of future employers and what not. Yes, I am a rotten child.

But of course, along the way, I realized that that was not what I wanted. I didn't want to rely on my college degree for my skills to be recognized (Not exactly humility. I still feel that way somewhat, but it is now much, much milder, thankfully). So, with that realization/justification riled up by my fives, I quit.

Wrong approach, wrong ending. It's hard to tell what my current goal is right now, although I'm pretty sure it's not the one I had when I started attending UP. Not as magnanimous and not as air-headed. I'm starting from the bottom up, and making sure I'm worthy enough to manage the family business.

I've been looking for a real learning experience (did not find it in my physics class) and well, I guess I got it. Do keep me in your prayers (and my mom, she is 200% more stressed than I, the honorably dismissed, am).

Well, that's it. Hopefully you understand that initially I thought I was right, and that it was kind of hard to swallow the realization that I was wrong and stubborn and embarrassed with what happened. But over all, I'd probably do the same thing again if fate accidentally rewinded itself, because what I got from the whole thing is close to priceless :D hahaha. Basta.

PS. Do not comment with comforting words because I am not sad. In fact, I am quite psyched about UST and am crossing my fingers for a successful transfer :D hehe, i save my drama for my momma. And for the blog only on occasion :3

Gaugh D: Goodbye.

For once, I really thought it was the end for me. Literally. Curtains down, bounded for the great adventure, finally off of this pathetic planet.

I began to savor the lazy moments in bed since Monday, because there is simply no other feeling like it in the world. I missed my math classes four times in succession, including today, in preparation for our eventual permanent separation. I scoffed at my books, armed with the blessed mercury as a herald of the final rest that I so wanted.

I gleefully smile at the thought of parting from the things I hated and escaping through the gentle drip of an IV pack of sedatives or through the pleasant shadow of a coma. It was flu. Simply a flu, and yet my mind has taken off to morbid and impossible paths that I embraced so long as I will not have to face the sciences. Three 5’s in my transcript are too much to erase with time.

But, almost symbolically, I broke the thermometer the other night. I accidentally hit it across the table, surprised and unable to trace the droplets of shattered mercury. Then it occurred to me:

Mercury is poison.

There were few droplets on the surface of the table, which I gathered with a piece of tissue paper. I rolled it around, amazed at its properties, both physical and lethal. But, in my dismay, it, too, fell and shattered.

I realized that I was mad, mad in its truest sense. My apathy for things seemed to have grown out of hand, and I have no idea how it came about.

This morning, after a bout of tears (I missed a final exam in the morning, and there is another one later this afternoon which I resolve not to miss), I decided that even if I did get three 5’s this semester (Calculus, Physics, and Lab) I will obtain three 1’s on the next. I unlocked the door and trudged downstairs to where my mom had just scolded me for my neglect and evident irresponsibility before I ran up and locked myself in the room. I felt like crying again when I noticed that she softened a bit and, well, maybe thought that I was trying and that I simply could not do it.

She looked up from her work. “Well?”

“Just give me the fare money. I’ll go to school myself.”

“I thought your next exam was at 1?” I was really thankful she hadn’t got her glasses on, because I was tearing up already.

“W-what am I going to do at home?”

“Well, what are you going to do at school?”

“…study?” I haven’t really thought about it. I just thought that maybe going to school, bane of my existence, would show that I was not afraid of it and can face it by myself.

“I’ll just bring you there at one. Turns out we won’t be making the delivery then. Just take this chance to keep drinking vitamin C.”

“O-okay.” As I was about to go upstairs to cry properly, she told me (in Chinese):

“You know, you can’t keep forcing yourself through Math and Physics. Just shift to PSID, I think that will be better rather than to keep failing. Besides, no one’s forcing you to finish Architecture. You can even just stay at home and help me out. That would be better, even. It’s hard to do things by myself.”

Inside me, then, was a rush of emotions—relief, gratitude, shame, sadness, excitement, anything and everything but apathy. Again I cried, but this time it isn’t out of hopelessness.

In a way, it still was the end. End of madness, end of misery…well, I can’t say what’s in store for me in the next chapter, but, with all tenacity, I will avoid regret.